I reject guys because I'm scared of losing my independence, my freedom, and I'm afraid I'll always have to pretend

I realize that, almost out of habit, I've always pushed away relationships and any guy who showed interest in me because it felt easier to have control over my life.

I can decide when to go home and stop pretending. I do not have to fake it more than I already do when I'm out with friends, at work, or with other people.

But now, I'm afraid I'm getting used to it, even though I can picture the adult me with a relationship and a family.

The thing is, every time a guy shows interest, it’s always the same—I can’t really get into it or fall in love. Instead, I just see it as something getting in the way of the real me, and maybe it’s the thing that would really tire me out the most—always having to pretend with someone you have to see often.

How do you live with that? Can you help me normalize it? Thank you very much :)