My mind is spinning

Hey y’all. So a few days ago my mom had a stroke. It was an Ishemic stroke, affecting one side of her body. She has an artery blocked in her neck that the doctors can’t do anything about because it’s so high risk. She’s 68. She’s also a smoker, and a diabetic. She doesn’t drive because she has some blindness.

I live with her and am responsible for taking her card every month and paying the rent and buying her monthly cigarettes and the groceries and whatever else she needs. I also get a disability check for myself and a survivors benefit for my daughter and I contribute towards bills and groceries and buy our own stuff.

So the reason I say my mind is spinning is because she had the stroke on the 2nd and she gets paid on the 3rd. I am probably delusional here, thinking things will return to normal when she comes home. I bought her normal 4 cartons for the month (yeah you read that right) and then found out she still had 2 left from this month. I wasted all that money that could’ve been saved.

I know I’m worrying about the wrong things here. She told me not to worry about it. She’s awake and alert at the hospital. But for how long? Is my question. My anxiety is eating me up. My mom is my best friend. I will be lost without her when she dies. I guess the worrying about buying the cigarettes is me being paranoid about contributing to her death…even though it’s her choice to smoke. Her money spent and her life.

If you got this far, thanks for reading.