What would you do if your partner didn’t show up for you when you needed them?

Background info: My husband (34) and I (34) have been married 8 years but we separated almost 3 years ago. He came back a year ago and wanted to reconcile. We’ve been back together since then but it doesn’t feel like we’re back to being married.

Now onto how he didn’t show up for me. On Christmas Eve, my dad became pale and said he had bad chest pains. We were concerned it was a heart attack and my mom took him to the ER. I was a mess not knowing what was going on with his heart or if he’d survive. My husband was at a Christmas Eve party at his sister’s. I texted him immediately that my dad went to the ER with chest pains, that my dad had been crying (which he never does) and that I was really scared. He asked a few questions and was in contact with me, but didn’t call or offer to come over. When we found out it wasn’t a heart attack but another heart condition which can cause stroke (so still very serious) I told him that and that my dad had to stay overnight in the ER and that I was a mess. He told me not to worry and still stayed at his sister’s. I didn’t outright ask him to leave the party but I did ask him when he would be coming over to my house a few times. He didn’t come to see me until 8 hours later, and he was pretty drunk by then too. My dad ended up in the hospital for almost 3 weeks because of this medical condition, part of which was spent in the ICU, so I had a very good reason to be concerned about his initial ER visit.

I brought this up to him recently how I was really hurt by this because he didn’t show up for me during a very scary moment. I thought my dad was going to die! I told him if the situations were reversed, I would have at least asked him if he needed me to be there for him and would have dropped what I had going on if he said yes. He initially apologized but then started backtracking saying he wouldn’t expect me to do that for him, that he was with his family so I shouldn’t be upset, that he felt he HAD to be at this party because a few people had cancelled and he felt bad for his sister. I asked him how that would be the priority over your spouse in a time where they’ve told you 1) there is a health-related emergency happening and 2) when your spouse has told you they’re scared and freaking out about their parent potentially dying. He tried to tell me I was overreacting and said it was ludicrous to insinuate that he doesn’t care about me or my dad.

I’m hurt on two counts: he didn’t show up for me, and he didn’t show up for my dad. He and my dad were basically best friends before we separated and they’ve known each other 15 years. My dad has always been incredibly kind, giving, and forgiving with him. I feel like he essentially sent the message to me that his family, partying, and drinking were more important to him than me or my dad in that moment. While he did show up after the fact and came to the hospital with me the next day and most days until my dad made it out of the hospital, the reality that he didn’t show up or even offer to show up in an important moment where I felt completely terrified and helpless really hurts me and makes me feel unimportant and abandoned.

I know in my heart I’m not crazy for feeling that this was hurtful, but I want to hear other opinions. Would YOU be hurt if your partner acted this way towards you during a family emergency?