What was she doing?

I am male. This has driven me crazy for years.

When I went to medical school I was in a relationship with my first love. I thought we'd get married but our relationship became long distance when I moved away. I was paired with a female medical student in freshers week as part of a settling in thing. She also lived at my hall and was also now suddenly doing long distance. We instantly bonded. I loved my girlfriend and was very happy at this point so genuinely thought nothing more of this than platonic.

However in the space of a term my relationship broke down. I went home for Xmas and I spoke on the phone with my friend. She told me she had split up with her boyfriend. My relationship continued to be dysfunctional long distance and by the time I went back after Xmas I was beginning to consider calling it off.

My friend was really suffering post break up and I was her main shoulder to cry on. Now at this point I need to tell you that this friend was crazy attractive, I mean super model attractive. The more and more I comforted her the more and more I began to develop feelings for her.

She started to get more flirtatious (I think). We went back to her flat and she hot changed in front of me. She said turn around and then she took her top and bra off. Being a gentleman I went and stood outside her room. She laughingly shouted 'you'd better not be looking!'. I definitely didn't want her thinking I was a creep so I went and stood in the kitchen.

She told me her flat mate had warned her against rushing into a mistake by sleeping with me, who she referred to as 'The one with the boyish good looks'.

At some point she sent me some texts. Something along the lines of 'Did you have a lovely wet wank? I did, but I'm so noisy!' and (using my girlfriends name) 'oh Lou, you feel so good riding on top of me as your breasts bounce up and down'.

This totally messed with my head. Feeling unfulfilled by my long distance relationship and crazy attracted to my friend, I showed a female friend who knew her but was not friends with her the texts and asked if she thought I had a chance, bearing in mind how desirable and out of my league this girl was. She said she thought I did. Totally in love with her now I decided to go home and break it off with my girlfriend so I could pursue her. I told my friend I was going to finish with my girlfriend however, as this had been our main connection, the long distance thing, and her response was 'oh no! Don't do it! Stay strong keep the faith!'

Now this totally changed things. The girl I think might be into me learning I'm going to be available telling me to stay with my girlfriend? Not a good sign. So I changed my plans to finish with her and concluded she had no interest in me. I continued to try to make it work with my girlfriend who I still loved, but long distance wasn't working.

Me and my friend went out on a night out and came back to our hall both very drunk. I ended up in bed with her and she fell asleep. We slept together only platonically, nothing happened. I woke up before her and went back to my room in the morning. I snuck out so as not to wake her. We didn't wake up together.

In April I was somewhat shocked to find out that she'd started sleeping with another guy off our course. She said he'd been pursuing her and she didn't want a relationship and it was just sex. Then when he treated it as just sex she started to get pissed off. I gave her the best honest male perspective advice that I could. I was always her friend first and foremost. Ultimately their shagging became a relationship, and I got gradually squeezed out and I saw less and less of her. She told me she thought he liked shagging her but didn't feel anything for her, that she needed to spend 100% of her time around him to get 10% of his attention and that she needed to stop trying to turn him into what she wanted.

Now thus guy was better than me in every dynamic. Taller, better built, better looking, smarter, cooler, more popular. I understood why she liked him and he was not someone I could compete with.

I the summer she was having doubts about staying on the medicine course. We had moved out of halls but she had nowhere to live as she hadn't committed to anything, so was staying in her boyfriends student house, but everyone had gone and she was on her own. I was also around and I texted her to invite her round to my house. She said she didn't want to go out because she 'minged for Britain' but that I could go to hers. So I went round expecting to find her ill or something, in a dressing gown no make up.

She opened the door and she was wearing nothing but a black silk short nightee. She invited me in and we sat down chatting. She was drinking vodka and had mood/chill out music on. Later ar some point she went up a flight of stairs (we were in like a basement room) and she called me. She was at the top of the stairs as I came round and if I hadn't have averted my eyes I would have seen right up her nightee. I don't know if she had panties on. Though I would have had I looked. Being with her, dressed like that, as she drank with mood music on, totally in love with her, was to this day still the most erotica moment of my life and the most alive I ever felt. I never made a move however as I was in a relationship, and we were in her boyfriends house. Plus she was my friend and her friendship meant everything to me.

My girlfriend was insanely jealous of her as she used to call me babe in test messages though she said she called everyone that. She also called me her best friend at one point, but also explained she had several best friends.

My girlfriend didn't get into my university so staying with her meant another 3-4 years of long distance, and as it wasn't working, despite me loving her and us having never been with anyone else, I felt I had to end things. I didn't do it to be with her. Although of course I hoped something would happen.

Around the same time my friend decided medicine wasn't her future and impulsively shot down to London to do something in theatre (her long distance exs field). Her boyfriend here didn't seem to give a shit shed gone, but I was devastated. She slept with her ex when down there, she says she found out he had been ill and nearly died and she wanted to show she still loved him.

We talked a lot and I helped her to work her thought out. She ultimately decided medicine was her future after all, that London was a mistake and she came back.

I plucked up the courage to decide to ask her out when she got back, but she quickly got back together with her boyfriend before I could ask.

I then got aggressively pushed out by her boyfriends friends and our friendship gradually became impossible.

A few months later after having found it impossible to get near her, I sent her an email confessing my love for her. I explained that I wasn't expecting her to leave her boyfriend for me, just that I needed to tell her so I could move on. I told her I wasn't in live with her anymore (a lie) because I desperately wanted to stay friends with her. I said that I would be surprised if she didn't know that I liked her, but that perhaps she didn't know how strong my feelings were.

She emailed back and said that she had never felt like that about me, was very much in love with her boyfriend and that she was sorry if she had hurt me.

She stayed with him ultimately for 7 years and I lost contact with her.

How does this read as a female? I have never been as bewitched by a woman and I still have dreams about her all the time. I agonise about those moments, where I wonder if I had a chance, if I hadn't have been such a gentleman