What Does It Take to Stop Attracting the Same Toxic Dynamics?

2023 and this past year, I’ve noticed a troubling pattern in my life, repeating itself four times—with one romantic partner and three female friends. My last relationship started off great: my partner had many amazing qualities—he was positive, kind, and supportive. But over time, the dynamic became suffocating and unhealthy.

I only dated him for 9 1/2 months. It began with him disliking my guy friends (even an ex from 8 years ago) and asking me to cut him off because I wasn’t transparent about the ex from 8 years ago, which I did because I thought it was reasonable. Then, he began bringing up old messages with my exes from years before we even met, upset about things I couldn’t change. He would say things like, “You need to be more feminine and let me guide you,” while also asking me to shave every couple of days and wanting to pick out my clothes. Over time, I lost my autonomy and felt controlled. I realized it was stemming from his own insecurity.

For around 2 months before our relationship was over, I knew I wanted to leave (He threw the phone at me and I knew for sure I had to leave) but struggled to find a way out until I found the perfect way to leave. I struggle with intense guilt when breaking up or cutting off people so I wait until they themselves do it or I find something concrete. That way I leave without any emotional impact.

After the breakup, I moved back to my city, only to find myself in the same emotional space. A close female friend is now making me feel the same way—overly clingy, demanding all my attention, and making subtle, backhanded remarks that leave me questioning myself. It’s as if I keep attracting the same types of people in different forms.

Looking back, I’ve realized I’ve ignored red flags and allowed my boundaries to slide, both in romantic relationships and friendships. The hardest part to admit is that I’m the common denominator in all of this.

Now, I’m working through these patterns in therapy because I want to break free from this cycle. My goal is to better understand myself, establish stronger boundaries, and create space for healthy, secure relationships in the future.

If you’ve worked through something similar, what strategies or tools helped you focus on yourself and move forward?