Women who’ve experienced SA, how do you deal with intimacy?

I have to ask my partners to stop because I feel so overwhelmed and start crying. Then I cry because I hate myself so much, for not being normal, for not being a good partner sexually, for being a reason they might start to hate me or themselves. I’m trying to work on it but it seems so impossible? I can’t even begin to reflect on what specifically triggered me because just trying to reflect makes me have a panic attack sometimes. It is so scary and so frustrating and painful. I don’t know where to specifically ask this, but I wanted to know from women who share similar cultural backgrounds as me so I asked it here.