AIO for ignoring my mom?

I don't really know where to start, but these past few days I have been ignoring my mom.

It kind of started on New Year's Eve and my parents wanted to go out, I didn't feel like going so I told my mom I didn’t want to go. She then started lashing out a bunch of hurtful words a mother should never say to her child. She told me she wishes she had never given birth to me, that I ruin every family outing, and that I don't deserve anything good because I am a bad child. After having a good cry about those words, I forgave her. I hate getting in a fight with my mom, especially because I'm an only child and don't have anyone else to talk to in the household.

A few days later, I got on her nerves again because I told her I would brush my teeth later instead of right now. She lashed out on me AGAIN. She told me that I was disrespectful and that I was to never talk to her again. She canceled the outing we were supposed to go on to “teach me a lesson." After that is when I felt most miserable, especially because I had been looking forward to that outing for weeks, only for her to cancel it over a small disagreement. The next day, I woke up to her gone. She has two phones, so I went through the one she left behind. I read through her texts and found out her and my dad had gone out. I also found out that she’s been twisting the story to her siblings and my dad. Her brother gave her some advice on how to deal with this situation (to talk to me and try to understand why). Yet she did not do anything.

It’s been almost 4 days since that and as much as I wanna talk to her, I also hate her. I hate her for saying she wishes she never gave birth to me. I hate her for canceling what was supposed to be a fun day. I hate her for making me miserable. The past few days I have been getting little to no sleep in hopes of destroying myself. I pray and I pray yet nothing happens. I want to talk to her but her actions talk to me as if she doesn’t want to be near me. My cousin comes to our house once in a while and I can’t help but feel jealous because my mom treats her better than she ever treated me. I don’t know why she treats me like garbage. I am a good kid, I swear (I hope?). I don’t smoke, I don’t sneak out, I get good grades, and I’m nice to people.

I also wanted to add that when SHE ignores me, she doesn’t let me eat. Like at all. The first day after our little disagreement, I didn’t eat at all. I don’t know how to cook because she never taught me anything. I just laid in bed.. hungry and sad. I have told her sometimes that I think she needs help (mentally) as her childhood’s pretty messed up but she takes it as an insult and calls me disrespectful. I’ve been trying to be more understanding with her since the death anniversary of her mother is coming up. But so is my birthday. And she doesn’t look like she’s excited for that.

Also sorry for kinda turning this into a rant but yea lol