I would love to have advice :(

Hello all!

(4 minute read)

I have a friend called A. (Im a girl) We are both 15. He's a boy, with a strong personality, im almost sure he's a narcassist.

We became friends one and a half year ago. He has a girlfriend called O. First A and O were best friends. I had issues with toxic friends in 8'th grade so i decided to hang out with them, they were pretty good friends but i know you understand why i didn't feel good around them. I just felt left out.

Once we were hanging out at O's house, he had his hand over her shoulders, i sat next to them. And we have this thing where we bite each other and i bit his finger slightly and he hit me i almost started crying. I forgave him.

We had an english lesson and i said something stupid in class (i didn't know what we were talking about) and he laughted at me so hard i almost cried in class. I forgave him again, but both times i was very hurt.

Then A and O got together and i felt happy cause finally i could be his bsf. Oh well i thought while being his bfs i also would have the attention aswell. So stupid from me lol. I even felt more left out. I settled for less and it was okay.

Freshmen year, we went to different schools, we were texting. That was finally a good era. I had attention and i felt great in our friendship. We video chatted a lot, he talks really much and im a good listener BUT SOMETIMES IT SO DRAINING LIKE PLEASE SHUT UP. 75% he was talking and i was listening. Time went by like that.

In May i finally felt i can tell him that last year i didn't really feel well next to them and he got mad that " i should have told them then and why now cause youre making me look like a bad friend". The reason i didn't say anything, because I didn't want to bother their relationship with "omg i feel left out please NOTICE im here" I felt so crappy after that and started to put the fault on me cause it made sence what he said.

This early june, he had a lot to do, dance competitions, piano exams, and school. He also had family issues going on, he didn't communicated with me at all.(He told me 3 month later so thats how i know) It hurt me so much i dont even know why, for such a foolish reason. He didn't have time for me that happens like... But after all i felt abandoned.

June, July, August i was thinking the whole time that i will finally make a dot at the end of the story, i dont really want him in my life. In July i tolt him i felt abandoned and why does he not have time for me (literally 3minutes a day to write hello am i asking for too much?). He told me that "Im his best friends and he loves me so much and i mean a lot to him". At this point i really think he's just scared that he wont have friends beside me (im the closest to him, and O aswell). He has issues with other people and cant open up easily. After 3 month i finally feel the most de-attached since ages. If i leave this friendship ill leave him in the sh*t. (I dont know how much he talks with O but i wouldn't call it a relationship when you barely talk and meet one time in 3 month).

You know, I honestly think i love him too much, and i dont even know if im in love with him or not, maybe im just touch-starved. Sometimes i even tought about him way to much... He's totally okay with skincontact with me (sitting next to each other close with our legs touching. O is flexible in this topic, so it doesn't bother her (as far as i know🥹)

And after all the time i felt hurt by him I don't know why i didn't left him sooner. My friendship with O was good and we got along together, but after changing schools we lost touch.

Like is it a thing where you're secretly in love but your own mind silences this thing? I caught myself thinking about more romantic stuff with him.

When i think about him i feel angry and sad at the same time i dont know what to do in this situation, can please someone give me advice? I would be so thankful🫶🏻🫶🏻