how do you find out what’s really important?

i’m a pseud, an obsessive researcher and lifelong learner. i love going down rabbit holes reading research papers, exploring niche topics, and losing myself in the intricacies of something fascinating. sometimes, i even take what i’ve learned and try to apply it, whether that’s experimenting with a small project or testing an idea. but even then, i feel torn between the joy of learning and this gnawing sense of wondering what it is i want and what it is that’s important to pursue.

sometimes, i feel like i’m smart enough to understand complex things, but not smart or disciplined enough to contribute anything meaningful. i deeply admire people who dedicate their lives to research and add even the smallest contributions to human knowledge. hell, even those people on github who make random code for niche projects, with an audience of only 50 people, inspire me. it is incredible how much drive they have to focus so deeply.

i’ll come across a researcher’s work, papers on niche topics like color in data visualization, and then look up their student assistants and collaborators. i find their lives incredibly attractive, imagining what it is like to be part of that world, to work in an environment filled with driven, intelligent people exploring ideas and researching something meaningful. instead, my life feels ordinary and meaningless by comparison.

what i truly want is to be part of a community of people working on something that matters. i daydream about being surrounded by intelligent, curious people, contributing to a greater purpose. but instead of being in that world, i am on the outside, reading about it and wishing i could do more. my actual community is filled with people obsessed with reality shows and trivial conversations, and it makes me feel like i do not belong.

at the same time, my mind feels like it is constantly buzzing, and it is debilitating to my life. i am not even in the real world sometimes. i space out, lost in thought. i will start researching one topic, but halfway through, my brain pulls me into a tangent, and then another, and another. before i can even act on that knowledge, i have already moved on to something else. curiosity will not let me focus.

i will make progress in one area, even start getting good at something, but then drop it for another interest. eventually, i will circle back, but the progress is so suboptimal and inefficient that it feels impossible to truly succeed in the modern world. i feel stuck in a hamster wheel or purgatory, where i never make meaningful progress. i just slowly and inefficiently get okay at things, but never good enough to do anything significant.

this endless web of distractions almost eats my life, pulling me away from the real world. sometimes, it feels like i live in la la land, while everyone else is grounded in tangible, practical realities.

and then there is the sadness of realizing i am limited. i do not have infinite time, energy, or even the intelligence and discipline to learn everything i want to learn. the older i get, the harder it feels to change my path or catch up with people who have spent years mastering their craft. i might enjoy something, but even then, i will still chase after something else. i can’t seem to commit. and i can’t imagine dedicating my life to just one small, niche area of study.

we live in a world where specialization is everything. if you are not hyper-focused on one niche, it feels almost impossible to contribute meaningfully. without formal education, it is tough to add value, because so much knowledge is so specific and inaccessible, unless you are incredibly intelligent, which i am not.

everyday life, the grind of work, and the endless noise in the world feel so insignificant compared to the vastness of what one could learn or create. it is like all the noise is just a distraction from what is really important. but even then, i struggle to figure out what is important.

i feel like i am constantly chasing a mirage, running after the next thing but never truly arriving anywhere. i know this about myself, but i cannot stop it. it is just how my brain works.

this is rooted in the struggle between my love for knowledge and my desire to make a meaningful impact. i crave the intellectual joy of learning, but i also feel an existential need to contribute to something larger than myself. the world feels so vast, and i feel unmoored, like i am floating without a sense of direction. i want to bridge the gap between my restless curiosity and my need to create something tangible, but it feels impossible as i only have my simple mind to accomplish this.

i watch various friends deal with life in their own ways. one of them likes smoking weed and watching movies, just floating through life without much thought for anything deeper. another gets lost in books and social media, disappearing into endless narratives and curated distractions. another shacked up, got married, and now has kids, settling into the rhythm of family life. yet another drinks, travels the world, and chases hedonism, women, and adventure, living for the thrill of the moment and the next great story. and then there’s me, sitting here, watching it all, thinking about what it means and where i fit in all of this.

do any of you feel this way? like you are caught between wanting to know everything and not knowing how to focus on something? do you ever feel like you are stuck in a different world or mindset, craving meaning and struggling to find your place in it?

what should one do with their life? how do you figure out what is important and what is worth dedicating yourself to? if this resonates with you, i would love to hear how you have approached these questions, or if you have managed to reconcile these feelings in your own life.

tldr: i love learning and exploring niche topics, but i feel torn between curiosity and a need to focus. i admire people who contribute meaningfully to research or niche projects, while i feel stuck in a loop of distractions, never making real progress. i want to be part of a community working on something meaningful but instead feel like i am chasing a mirage, unable to commit to anything. how do you figure out what is really important and worth dedicating yourself to?