AITAH for telling my wife she can leave because I’m not kicking my older kids out??
Hey Reddit.
I (43m) have been with to my current wife Amanda (42f) for the past six years and we have two daughters (Becca 4f and Eliza 2f) together while I have 2 kids from my previous marriage Liam (17m) and Sage (15f). The divorce was less than amicable and since my ex wife had more money and a better paying job she was awarded primary custody despite me fighting it. For the last 8 years I’ve had my older kids every other weekend and on Wednesdays.
A few weeks ago my older kids asked if they could live with us full-time due to issues with their stepdad. Liam especially had come to blows with him a few times and even their mother thought it would be for the best. I did talk to my wife about it and I know she wasn’t happy as she feels uncomfortable around my older kids, although this is something she neglected to tell me until we had our first child together.
Things since Liam and Sage moved in have been hard and as much as I’d love to get some family therapy my wife is against it and we’re on a waiting list. Before when my kids would come over my wife would take our daughters to her parents a lot to ‘give us space’ even though I never asked for it.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m sure being a stepparent is difficult but my kids are really good kids. They have straight As, lots of friends, play sports, and are incredibly respectful. I know I’m biased but people go out of their way to tell me these things! So it has been terrible watching Amanda nitpick everything they do. Almost as if she’s waiting for them to slip up so she can send them back to their moms. We had already gotten into an argument over the holidays due to her trying to push them out of our traditions.
Our older daughter Becca is going through a biting phase. Her school wants her to get OT and I’ve been working with our insurance since Amanda doesn’t like the one at the school but as always it seems like there’s an endless waitlist.
So obviously the house is tense and we’ve all been walking on eggshells. Then yesterday morning when I was making us some breakfast we heard a scream and Becca came into the kitchen crying and saying that Sage hit her. Amanda ran into the den where Liam and Sage were and started screaming at them to leave. She was obviously pissed but Sage told her she was sorry, she had been done with the tv so had changed it to one of the girls’ shows and Becca got excited and bit her. She said she didn’t mean to slap her and felt bad. I immediately calmed down because I think anyone has been there but Amanda didn’t believe her. Sage had a bite mark for gods sake.
Things continued escalating and our girls were crying and Amanda screamed at both of my older kids to leave. Sage told her she would so she could calm down and that pissed Amanda off more. Liam and Sage left for a friends and ended up spending the night there.
So for the past day Amanda has been on one saying I needed to pack their things and send them back to my ex-wife’s permanently. I can’t keep dealing with this BS. I told her this morning that it was an accident and she needed to let it go but she’s refusing, even threatening to call the police (?). She said she could never be comfortable with her babies around Sage anymore and that she didn’t feel safe. I laughed because Amanda herself once hit Becca for biting her! She ended up taking the girls to her moms and I told my kids to come back. Amanda has been texting me that she’ll be back tomorrow and the kids needed to be gone. I was ignoring her but finally said this was their home and if she was comfortable she could pack up and leave.
My parents came over and basically told me I wasn’t wrong but shouldn’t have said she should leave. I know there are some things you can take back but at this point I almost mean it. I would hate to deal with another divorce but Amanda has been so terrible to my older kids the past few weeks I honestly feel like she’s become a different person.
Edit just to clarify some things: when we had every other weekend plus Wednesday custody my wife would take the girls to her parents on Wednesday only, and I would take the youngest to dinner. Before we had kids she’d go to dinner but our girls aren’t the best at restaurants. She would be here on weekends.
My son is not violent. His stepdad believed in violence as a form of punishment which I do not and never did, but that’s why they asked to live with me.
Sage has gone from apologetic to fully devastated about this. She offered to go back to her moms as long as Liam didn’t have to. I told her that would never be necessary. She did not mean to hit her sister, and Becca was incredibly upset about biting her. We are working on it. but we are a single-income family and I can’t afford an OT outside of my insurance. I am probably going to utilize the schools OT, though despite what Amanda said.
Also our youngest was not planned but things seemed to be getting better so we were excited. I did get a vasectomy after that but I love all my children.